Welcome to the Road Kill Cafe (Ryan Blog Excerpt)

**NOTE--And this is probably one of Ryan's GROSSEST Blogs ever...and most infamous moments we don't like to talk about...so nasty!!! But, it is COMPLETELY TRUE! Believe it...all of it.** PAM

Monday, July 02, 2007

When I was only two weeks out on my mission I had an experience that will forever be burned into my psyche. I was serving in the town of Hannibal, MO with my trainer, Elder Fairbanks. Hannibal was a great area! I later learned that it was a very popular area among missionaries because the dinner calender was always full--a rarity and a treasure to missionaries. One such family that signed up for dinner twice a month was the Lair family. They were interesting to say the least.

The first time I had dinner there, I was a little nervous because I was a new missionary and my companion dreaded going there. They lived in a trailer that stood 30 feet in the air on stilts right on the banks of the Mississippi River. The house was overrun with all sorts of your standard barn yard animals, not to mention enough cats to put on a Broadway play...It was quite a scene. But hey, we were there to have dinner with Lonnie Lair. It couldn't be that bad could it?

Lonnie Lair was paralyzed from the waist down, years ago he had had the opportunity to do serious physical therapy and most likely regain the ability to walk, he opted out. So fast forward to present day, Lonnie is a man who is confined to a hospital bed, and I usually didn't have much of an appetite when we ate with him. He laid there shirtless and had several tubes in his chest and one large feeding tube that went into his belly button. If that wasn't enough, his hobby was to grow out his fingernails as long as they would go on his left hand. When I was there they were about 9 inches. He enjoyed this hobby and said that his nails made great conversational pieces.

Sitting in a house that was soaked in cat urine next to a guy with tubes going every which way and nails that made Wolverine look like a weenie was starting to make me a little nervous about dinner. However, my mind was put a little more at ease when his wife announced that we would be having Hamburger Helper that night.

YES! I thought to myself, no one can screw up hamburger helper--it's a self contained meal in a box! The only thing they had to do was add meat... and that comes sealed from the grocery store and they have laws about quality...

Well that's was I was thinking, I had a big smile on my face and no reason to worry. So I happily dished up a mighty portion and after the prayer, I dived into it. It tasted a little weird. I think they just added a few spices of thier own, I said to myself. Nothing to worry about. However, the more I ate, the worse it tasted. Soon I noticed that it was unusually greasy and it was really starting to taste like garbage smelled. I finished my plate and put it aside.

Lonnie piped up, with his deep redneck hickerbilly voice, "Howdja like dat helper?" he asked with a big toothless grin. "It was pretty good" my companion replied, "I noticed you didn't use hamburger though, was it deer meat or something?" Lonnie laughed, "Nope, good though ain't it?" "Suuuuure" we both replied in unison. Lonnie smiled again, "I bet you never woulda guess that possum tasted so good huh?" "Possum? Your kidding right?" Elder Fairbanks squeaked. "Nah, it's true, we love it! Ain't that right honey?" "Yup, and it's best when it's fresh" his wife chimed in. "What, did you buy it at the store this morning?" I said as unsarastically as I could. "No, I hit it on the way home from work" she replied.

Yup, I promise it's true. They fed us a roadkill possum in the form of hamburger helper. I'm burned, scarred even, for life.